Creating memories

In this section Dr Ros Taylor MBE, a hospice medical director, shares some insights from her work with families during her long career in hospice and palliative care. 

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Creating memories

We know that those who are left behind hugely treasure memories that have been crafted especially for them. This is especially important for children and teenagers. There are so many creative ways to continue your voice, your hopes, your dreams into the future, and your children or grandchildren will truly treasure this.  

It can be really uplifting work but it’s also sad and emotional. We have often found that it’s best to work with a close friend or family member, or perhaps a therapist from your palliative care team who will have the skills to guide you.  

Many hospices have teams who can support children who are facing the loss of a parent and a meeting with this team before you die can give some vital continuity for your children in the future. Early psychological support can really help children, even if it is difficult for you.  

There are now so many simple, creative ways to capture precious memories, stories and your voice. Involving children and the whole family will make the work even more special and keep your memory alive. We know from the work we do with children who have lost a parent how important this is. Children often talk about the creative times when mum was ill – times of real closeness that will sustain them in the times ahead. 

Memory boxes and special letters

If you have children you may want to consider creating a memory box for them. This is a special box filled with photographs, treasured objects or souvenirs from trips – reminders for your children of special moments with you and your relationship with them. This can be heartbreaking work to do, and so easy to put off, but it is really treasured.  

You may want to leave letters to be opened on every birthday. We know a young mum who left a special sum of money in her will to buy Christmas presents for her children every year.  

Your digital legacy

It’s so easy now to make videos on our phones, capturing special moments, or simply sharing thoughts and hopes for your children, perhaps telling a favourite story or remembering a holiday. Recordings of your voice, or videos of times together will be treasured. Don’t leave it too late. Short messages recorded on your phone when something comes to mind might be easier than one long emotional message.  

Apps on your mobile phone can help you collect photos, messages and music in one place. Some hospices also have services to help with memory making such as recording your voice. 

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Planning a future for younger children

There are often huge practical concerns about your children’s future care, particularly if you’re a single parent. These may feel like unbearable conversations, trying to imagine your child’s life without you – but it’s so important to make your mark on these plans. You know so much about your children, what makes them tick, their likes, their hopes and their fears.

Once you know who your children’s guardians will be in the future – whether it’s your husband or wife, partner, family member, whoever – there’s so much information you could share that would make the job of bringing up your children easier for those who have that honour.  

For instance, we remember a mum who was really worried that no one could do her daughter’s hair properly. Her husband had simply never learnt how to plait her daughter’s hair. She was worried that this would be a source of distress after she died. Of course she taught her husband how to do it. These treasured moments can actually bring you closer and make you feel more at ease that your children’s lives will perhaps be disrupted a little less.  

We know how resilient children are in the face of loss. But we also know how keen they are on routine. It’s these routines, that perhaps only you might know, that need passing on in a systematic way to those who are going to have a big role in your children’s lives in the future.  

If you need professional help to plan for your children’s future, or just need advice on how to talk with them, then the local hospice may be a good place to start – many have a family and children’s support team, or will know where you can get local help. If you don’t have a hospice near to you, then your child’s school, and your GP or CNS will know of local support services.

Support for your children

Information and support to help children and young people who are facing loss:

  • Ruth Strauss Foundation offers a tailored Family Support Service both before and after bereavement.
  • Winston’s Wish is a charity giving hope to grieving children and young people.
  • Child Bereavement UK supports bereaved children and young people.
  • Macmillan has information to help you talk to children and teenagers and to help you understand their reaction.  
  • Young Minds has information to help you support your child or young person with grief and loss.  
  • Our telling loved ones page has more information about telling children if the cancer isn’t responding to treatment. 
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Last reviewed: May 2025

Next review: May 2028

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